Who I is?
by Ferdinand Chan
Summary: A short essay about a 20 year old dealing with self image issues and an identity criss resulting from a change in environment.


Who I is?

It's 11pm, and much like any other Saturday night spent in Riverside I had absolutely no plans. I've been living in this city for about 2 years now, it's been long enough for me to loose count, and I have made literally zero friends. Well that's not entirely true, as a matter of fact I have 2 friends, both former roommates. I guess what I consider a friend is someone who I hang out with at least once a week outside of the context of school. Ever since I moved to this town a lot of things changed for me. First of all I began to get a lot of acne, which I was not really prepared for and it literally fucked me on a mental and emotional level. Moving here caused me to break up with my girlfriend (who was arguably the hottest girl I have ever fucked) and transformed me into somewhat of a loner. I live a pretty ok life I guess, when I'm at school I have people I talk to, which is at least some form of human interaction, I go to the gym 4 times a week and when I come home I sometimes smoke weed or drink beer while I do my homework. Life is pretty ok however I do miss home. I guess now that I think about it I never really considered this place my home but rather something temporary something that would pass. There is nothing permanent about my situation, if anything I can't wait for it to be over with. I guess I have some friends I can call up (former co workers) but I don't. Even when I visit home I don't hang out with my old friends. I guess you can say my social life has really taken a toll after I moved here and began to get acne.

For a whole year of my life I lived around the fear of waking up in the morning with new pimples on my face, I even turned vegan and put honey on my face everyday in hopes of curing this condition. I did everything in my power to cure my acne and for a while it worked, but then when I got that one pimple that stayed on my face for moths and afterwards left a mark that stayed for a year is when I began to realize I had developed some serious self image issues. Ever since I moved here I fell like things have sucked for me. I lost a lot of my confidence and if it wasn't for the fact that I get good grades I would be just another asshole that's just going to school and getting by. I have not had sex with a girl in like 2 years, and the last time I went on a date with a girl it actually went pretty well, until I got a pimple before one of our dates and had a mental breakdown. This is the part of my story that gets kind of serious.

After viewing hundreds of youtube videos on the causes of acne and treatments I stumbled upon the love vitamin. The love vitamin was the youtube channel of a girl who claimed to have cured her acne holistically through a strict vegan diet and utilization of natural home remedies like honey and all sorts of hippie shit. I put all my hopes on this crazy bitches success story and began my journey to cure my acne holistically. I ran to sprouts that very same night and bought 60 dollars worth of vegetables and the most expensive jar of raw honey I could find. My new vegan diet put me at a daily caloric intake of around 300-500 calories. My diet consisted of mostly fruits and vegetables. I did eat some grains but not very often. I lost about 30 pounds and weighed in at a whooping 129 pounds. My physical state began to worry my parents and friends. I couldn't go anywhere without someone pointing out how skinny I had gotten, it went from being kind of a compliment to just infuriating. But as long as I didn't get any new pimples I was ok with looking like a skeleton. I went from being ashamed to be shirtless at the beach because of a little bit of belly fat to being ashamed because of my bony body. I was miserable, but I was ok because my acne had begun to get better until I 2 days before my 23rd birthday when I woke up with a big red pimple right on my forehead. The emergence of this pimple felt as if someone had turned my world upside down and dick slapped me with an elephant's dick, my fears had come back and I was now panicking at the thought of more pimples populating my now somewhat clear face. I had literally done everything I could possibly think of, the diet, the honey, the creams, and I was back to square one. Scared shitless of a pimple. It is sad to say but I'm still scared. I still inspect my face everyday to see if new pimples are visible and I even have a special routine in order to treat them. Luckily I don't get that much acne now days however their scars remain. The hyper-pigmentation on my right check reminds of the shit I went through and all the fear acne had caused me. I put on sunscreen everyday to prevent my hyper-pigmentation from getting darker and use light blue therapy every night. I even spend 130 dollars every month to get the top layer of my skin sand blasted off in order to speed up my skins healing process. My life literally revolves around my appearance. I dream of looking like the actors and models I see on television. I want their abs, clear complexion, straight teeth and awesome hair. I have even begun to consider getting braces in order to fix my teeth. It seems that there is always something new that I want, whether it be clothing or better skin, I am never satisfied with anything. I always want something else and my desire for things is the source of my discontent. Now that I think about it I have never truly been my own person. I have always spent time and money trying to be or look like someone else rather than just be me. Because of this I don't know who I am. It is truly pathetic to admit but my life literally revolves around doing everything in my power look like my ideal self. This ideal self is most likely unattainable but still something cant help but wanting. I have so many wants that I wish I had none. Maybe ill take up Buddhism and follow the eightfold path, but I highly doubt it.

I just want to look perfect. I want the clear skin, I want the six pack abs, I want the big arms, I want the perfect hair, I want the nice clothes, I want the fancy car, I want the best education, I want all the money in the world, I want all the recognition, and most importantly **I want to just be happy with who I am**, or as the three six mafia would say "who I is."


End file.
